the i in we

In Praise of Cynical Christianity
I am only 6 hours removed from Atlanta, and the CBA conference, but I am already finding it difficult to put in words my relief at being home and the bundle of thoughts I have to unravel. It was a great, horrible, encouraging, discouraging, experience. I met some wonderful people and made some great contacts for my writing, and feel very encouraged and excited by all that. I made some new friends. I felt ambition and indignation within the same industry. I met some great people and some God-awful people. I am so glad I went, and so happy to be home.

I missed you all, and Carla says hello. We did have a great time deconstructing Gigli and otherwise indulging in our hotel room. She introduced me to my favorite group of people I met this week – the crew from Harper Collins San Francisco. (It is NO coincidence that the best time I had during the conference was with non-CBA people.) We discussed J-Lo’s best career move (pull a Demi), Mandy Moore (love her), the rained-out Braves game, and the merits of Minneapolis.
Balance that with a dinner I went to where, in about 3 hours, I heard:

–”I have no use in being PC. I just tell WOMEN when they are wrong.”
–”So, are you married?”
–”So, do you have kids?”
And many other statements that made me grateful for all of you (who would never say such things!)

I do apologize for not bring back a box full of fun gift items, but I didn’t know that only bookstore owners can buy the stuff. On my IF I COULD, I WOULD List:

–socks with the Gospel written on them (I did see a rep YELLING at a potential buyer: FEEL THEM! FEEL THEM!)
–Paper and china dishware with scripture written on them. Brand name: Feed on the Word.
–Shoes with crosses and other accoutrement sewed on. Would those be Christian shoes?

More fun…Celebrity sightings!
- Michelle McKinney Hammond
- Tim LaHaye
- Steven Curtis Chapman
- John Tesh (HUGE heed!)
- Stephen Baldwin
- Henry Blackaby
- Philip Yancy
- Third Day
- Michael Tate
- John Eldredge
- Gloria Gaither

List of Truisms Regarding the Fashion Sense of Many Christians:
- Sexy, cute shoes on women are a total no-no. Your feet must be asexual.
- If you are a sales rep, wear a button-down shirt (oxford) tucked in, khakis, and have boring hair.
- If you are a successful business man, throw a suit jacket over the above outfit.
- If you are a male Christian rock-and-roller, wear a tshirt over jeans and have good hair.
- If you are female and in the business world, your hair must have layers, be teasable, and you invest in good hairspray.
- Those females selling gifts and otherwise a sales rep do not get to wear trendy clothes. Only authors and musicians can wear anything remotely cool.

That’s it for now. I am feeling myself leaning away from light-heartedness and into murky, snarky waters…much like the Atlanta air. Let me know ASAP if you would like to join me in South Dakota for the next couple days – I would like a buddy (not just a Buddy Christ).

Thanks, Rick.
Mr. Warren’s tome has sold over 16 mil – more than all of the Big Z’s books AND Bibles combined. So, Rick is floating my trip. I wanted to give him props, a big up, and even the tall geeky guy I am with raised the roof last night; I offer that roof-raising to you, Mr. Warren. Here, therefore, is a short list of those things I am grateful for this week.

Rick, thank you for all the leering, appreciative looks I am getting this week from men. Yo comprendo espanol, amigos.

Rick, thank you for celebrity sightings: Michelle McKinney Hammond, Gloria Gaither, and John Tesh. UPDATE! Stephen Baldwin! 11:11 AM.

Rick, thank you for my lemonade and waffle fries from Chik-fil-a. Thank you for my plum pork, artichoke strudel, stuffed scrimp, and chocolate temperance last night at the Pleasant Pheasant. Thank for the drinks I will imbibe tonight with the Purpose Driven Wife’s friend Mickey who will soon give me a book deal (he just doesn’t know it yet).

Rick, thank you for my burrito yesterday and the approval of an incoming proposal in the EYS line. Thanks for the opportunity for DigDug and I to talk about colonics with our new friends Jay and Jen.

Rick, thank you for Starz!, on which last night the PDWife and I were able to confirm that Gigli does indeed suck big time.

Rick, thank you that we can write off wireless as an expenditure.